And silence became my friend...

And silence became my friend...

This blog is dedicated to all parents who wake up one morning to face their world upside down, a world they didn't fathom seeing when their child was born, an abyss filled with stigma, pain, dismay and anger. I will go back at how it all started later in my blog but today, I will speak of the silence and loneliness this disease brings along. These are uncomplicated words, that other parents will identify and parents who will become my partners on this distressing journey.
When I mention that schizophrenia could clear a room in no time, I speak the truth. It is difficult for family, friends and foes to watch someone they knew as "normal" descend into madness. It is a hurling descent where the afflicted can take with him the closest partners into his darkness. Therefore, only the core of his "team," the ones who love him unconditionally with remain the loyal rocks he can count on. We shall call them the caregivers.
                                                  DENIAL
At first, when it all started, I thought it was a "phase" than my son was going through, I truly believed that this shall pass. However, when the ropes of schizophrenia became more and more visible, I experienced the same chaotic pattern of feelings that a patient afflicted with cancer or other terminal diseases with no cures in sight. Denial is the first feeling parent experiences. This can't be true; my son cannot be schizophrenic the doctors must be wrong, and I need a second, a third and even a fourth opinion.

                                                   ANGER
Anger follows denial. The: why I and/ or why him, will resonate often. I will admit I did get angry at my son, and I did ask him to straighten his act. I truly thought he could if he put in some efforts. I was angry at seeing the friends I had fizzle out, as well as family, acquaintances and other people who decorated my life. My closest allies and sometimes my foes, became the core team for my son. This core dwindled down to myself, my husband, my son's father and the caregivers we hired along the way.


                                               DEPRESSION
Depression trailed after, I didn't want to go out anymore, didn't answer the phone. I became a soul in pain hiding; ashamed and depressed from my predicament. I knew silence and silence became my friend, a lonely but much-needed place to come to terms, and letting my feelings evolve up to the time that they reached acceptance and action.

                                   ACCEPTANCE AND ACTION

Acceptance comes at a high cost. To me, acceptance meant action. I can truthfully state that I have ordered every book I saw on schizophrenia, joined NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness). Communicated with patients, and doctors, read all kinds of researches made about the illness. I wanted to partner with my son, as difficult as it sounded, I wanted to enter his world, and as dark as it seemed, I had to make the first step toward him, by embracing, yes embracing and accepting his affliction.